Living With Fear

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Fear and I go way back, way before the world was on the verge of ending.

Fear has been the comfortable pillow I pull out ever so often to give me warmth. Fear has this way that it creeps into your conscience disguised as a low burning fire during winter. Ironic huh?

The chains fear has wrapped around my feet have rusted over the years chipping deeper into my skin, bleeding me out.

I’ve been a slave to its whims for too long. Afraid to dance, to sing, to write, to speak up, to run, to strip, to stand, to leave, to stay, to feel.

Cocooned in my little room, the tears flow freely. No mask, no judgement, no opinions. Just me. No fear.

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I realize now that fear is an accumulation of past experiences gone sideways.

Singing in front of a school hall and being told later how much my nose flared.

Dressing in my favourite outfit at 9 only to be told I’m showing too much of my arm. The idea that my skin was dangerous engraved in my brain a little too early. Like I wasn’t perfect. Like it was my responsibility to avoid a man’s stares and to protect him from his own lack of manners. Shall I peel off the skin to make you happy?

Dance, but only in a certain way.

Speaking up and giving an opinion only to be hushed vehemently by adults. Children are to be seen, not to be heard. Little girls don’t talk that much. Quiet… Simmer down… Quiet..

Getting your first period and keeping it hidden for months for fear of the unknown. Buying yourself your first shaver because the pubes wait for no man. Afraid.

Turning away from your first kiss because. Fear.

Staying in toxic relationships and friendships. Afraid to get too close, to open up. Unable to imagine a better life.

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It is a personality broken to pieces long before it had the strength to stand on its own let alone the wings to fly. I can blame a lot of experiences growing up that shaped me into the fearful girl I have been for a long time, but I won’t.

I choose to face the fear that has crippled me head-on. I will not apologize for my skin or my happiness.

Fear has done a lot of damage for so many people, and if you’re reading this, its time you put the fear in the back-seat and take back the wheel of your life. See how fulfilling life is without it.

You deserve at least a chance at greatness, and fear won’t get you there.  My motto for this year is faith without borders. Sorry fear, take a hike!

In writing my truth today, I realize I’m a little less afraid than I was yesterday. So, mission accomplished!

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
–Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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